i can't breathe half the time. i am drowning in my own life. i have nightmares. i wake up crying. i fall asleep crying.
i have to go to work today. and i like work. the seven hours a week they give me. i need them. desperately. i have no money coming in otherwise. so these meager hours are all i have to keep the cats fed and with litter and all those little stupid things like gas and toilet paper and shampoo.
but i'm so tired. soul tired. i just want to go back to sleep all day instead of deal with anything.
since this all happened at the start of december i've been making due. i still had decent hours then because of it being the holidays. so for the first month or two i paid my own bills. then since then my dad has been helping me. except now my dad can't afford it any more because they took away his disability benefits now that he's 66 and gets social security. so come all the bills that are due at the end of may/start of june i am dead broke.
and i have been busting my ASS trying to find a job. applying for over a dozen places every day. places that i can't even drive to because my car keeps breaking down. because all i ever have is shitty cars that break down. and i'm getting dick in response. i've been looking for months.
people keep trying to give me suggestions. as if i'm not already doing everything i possibly can. everything that is in my power.
and i can't do a fucking retail or food service job. even part time. cause part time still means six to eight hour shifts. and something is seriously wrong with my legs and my health. cause i can't stand on my feet for more than six hours, even with compression socks on. & even if i manage to make it through one eight hour shift i can't do it again for another three or four days after that my feet swell up so bad.
so i don't have my health. friends. family. money. and i'm likely going to be homeless soon with no place for my cats to go.